12.27.2020

Hello.

I’m remembering and sharing my earliest thoughts of suicidal tendency and attempt, in the hope that someone else can benefit from them.

The earliest memory was of me taking twine and tying it to the closet pole to form a loose to hang myself — at the age of 8.

I had refused to eat my eggplants that was part of the evening meal, and sent to my room until I ate them, and because I was an obstinate, stubborn child.

Of course, the eggplants got colder and even more unedibal to me.

I got as far as the loose tightening around my neck, but finally stepping back in fear.

But earlier that month, my parents were informed by my best friend’s parents that I kissed my best friend in their backyard. But that was a lie told by my best friend, (And Samuel, I have long forgiven you, and I hope you have found your way).

My parents did nothing to me, did not talk to me about the incident, or council me on the matter of sex and gender. But as I lay on the living room floor watching Saturday cartoons, feeling their eyes at my back, imagining their own fears and disappointment with me, their eldest son.

I never liked eggplants, but the kissing incident happened weeks before.

And at the age of eight, I didn’t make the connection.

So parents, unless you are KGB agents on a sleeper mission, council your children about sex, and love them no matter what.